the first coherent entry in a long time...

today was the day of:
-my music app exam (it was neither good nor bad, hmm...)
-waking schwab up to eat then falling asleep for awhile
-crazy campus traffic, making me late to coventry, but getting my ass saved. thanks tony...
-moving essential dorm room items (microwave, fridge, tv, van seat, and fish) home... thanks schwab!
-having my car stolen (haha-- thanks beta rho boys, lol) but getting a t-shirt out of it
-going out for ice cream with jeff
-going to southbridge for the second time today
-learning to drive standard... and actually learning! and with no tears! (THIS WAS SO THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY!) (thanks jeff)
-going for one last hoorah (and enjoying it!) on sherman 3
-the boys of sherman 3 staring at galina at 2:00 in the morning... LOL!!!!!!!!!!
-being happy!

i don't know where i stand on a lot of things. i have so many uncertainties. but in the long run? i have a lot of things to look forward to. this summer is going to be another challenge... but i think i am ready for it. i have a lot of hope for this summer. i want to overcome the things that i am bitter about and learn to accept them. it's been a year, it's time. i'm ready...

i can't help it, i have so much hope and happiness right now that i want to cry... wait... is that bad? lol. what a great "last night"... indeed. alrighty. before i go overkill on the happy and hopeful and content thing... i am going to go to bed. tomorrow is another long day! the craziness of southbridge will be in full effect...

all i needed...

thanks for a great year, guys...

let this NOT be an edition with drama...

what the hell is wrong with me lately? i can't explain it (why doesn't that surprise me)... something is bothering me more than anything and i hate it! i just want to get away! but then when i do get away, i know i'm going to wish with everything i have that i was back here. i don't understand what's going on with me. i wish i had something more positive to give you... to give myself even! it's 12:30 and i am headed to buckley where i am hoping to just relax and sleep. i don't want to think any more tonight... i put in my hour of solitary thought tonight. in my favorite spot on campus. it's so nice at night. the night was breathtaking... it was beautiful out. the clouds, the stars... the moon, that ONE shooting star... it was amazing. the beauty of it all was overwhelming...

for now... i'll settle for being sad i think. i have to honestly wonder how people do it sometimes. it really bothers me. i need something but even i don't know what it is. i think i'll just go for keeping myself company. i think this is the first time that i have wanted my mom while at school. this is the kind of thing where she would sit on the edge of my bed and rub my back. but wait... don't you have to live in the same house to do that? yeah. oh it's going to be a loooong summer, amigos...

and this is me, getting away for tonight.

esprit. tous le temps. mon coeur faible......................................... shit.

winding down... or is it?

i feel things coming apart a little bit, right at the seams. it's a little strange. it's like that shift of power thing, only it's not with power. i can't exactly put my finger on what it is exactly. maybe it's just me being me... but i don't think so. other people have noticed as well. i apologize, i am going to be ambiguous as hell here. i don't really want anyone to know what is on my mind exactly. so if you are reading this, just know something is there. it is neither good nor bad, but it spends its days festering into something i hope i can hold for awhile.

i don't even know where to start. change is coming... i feel a change in myself, and a change in others. perhaps the change is the shift, perhaps the two are unrelated. i found the best quote today that fits me to a tee: "A solitary, unused to speaking of what he sees and feels, has mental experiences which are at once more intense and less articulate than those of a gregarious man" i still feel that i feel things (hurt, love, pride, etc) deeper than most other people. i feel that is an assett, but i also feel it comes back to bite me in the ass sometimes. that sucks. it's the price i pay for introspection... for thinking so much.

i wish there was a way to slow it all down. just for a day. i need time! my deepest hopes are things that will remain forever undisclosed to the rest of the world! does that constitute living a lie? i don't know... unfreakinbelievable...

all right, enough of this. back to listening for music appreciation. check this piece out: five pieces for orchestra by wagner. it's creepy and dark and mysterious.

i love it.